Parents "need my help" what to do?

[Warm Gums]

I have been estranged from my parents for the last 25 or so years.

When I was young, they engaged in verbal & physical abuse, undermined my efforts to better myself, & never missed a chance to intimidate me.

When I stayed in school, instead of leaving at 16 to work they basically froze me out, when I left at 18 to attend college they called me "greedy" and cut me off. Now they have let it be known that they are in financial difficulty and wish to speak with me about "doing my duty as a son". I am in no position to give any more than basic assistance, and they were set up for life a few years back by another relative, thru a trust which my mother dismantled in order to buy a high end car & put a large addition on their home.

I wish to be to be respectful, but I feel that allowing these people back into my life would be a huge mistake, especially as I am just getting back on my feet money wise, and emotionally after a lengthy term of underemployment.

Thoughts? (please avoid turning this in to a political or religious discussion)

[platy]

Tough call. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell them to bite the bullet, just like you had to with your unemployment. I don't know if I would bring up their past behavior, just tell them 'I wish I could do more, but I'm struggling with you'.

[FMA]

You know, being a smartass, I would say, You know, mom and dad, your treatment of me when I was young taught me the value of being self-sufficient and fending for myself. Now, I would like to return that favor.

[E5RSY]

For me, it would have a lot to do with where their hearts are. That said, from the "do your duty" comment, I'd really be disinclined to even consider helping. It sounds like they broke that contract long ago.

If you do decide to help, which would truly be very commendable on your part in light of the past, don't put yourself in the hole for them. Do what you can, nothing more (i.e. no co-signing on debt or anything extended like that).

Scott

[RCinMempho]

Take the high road and help them if you can. You won't regret it.

[Agave_Blue]

Originally Posted by FMA

You know, being a smartass, I would say, You know, mom and dad, your treatment of me when I was young taught me the value of being self-sufficient and fending for myself. Now, I would like to return that favor.

^^

This.

Even if that's not what you say, that is what you should do. F 'em. IMHO.

[Tim Armstrong]

They initiated the break between you and them, sounds to me like they're only your biological parents, and nothing more...

Tim

[Pinball_Wizard]

Ouch, I have similar dealings with my brother but not my own mother.

You're not obligated to help them out in any way. They tried to get you to not go to college.

I'd tell them, "I'd help you move from one house to another but help in finances I cannot accommodate."

Seriously if they're only asking for money, they forfeited that right.

Have you even received an apology for anything, if not they are far and away from considering your needs, which is not a parent.

[max_twang]

They've created a no-win situation for you, haven't they?

Guilty feelings if you don't help, feeling like a chump if you do.

I think you've answered the question yourself though -- you're not financially able to help them.

I suspect though that even if you gave them the "basic" assistance you mention, that would not satisfy them. They'd need more than you were able to provide, and they'd resent you for not giving more.

I'm sorry for your predicament.

[middy]

Mom who?

[Scotty Lonesome]

Well, of course, do what you can. However, take care of number 1 first, then help to the degree that you can...

[Ben Harmless]

I've worked for several different social service agencies. I've dealt with addicts, hustlers, and a whole variety of other assorted problematic people. The most important thing here is to not allow them to start manipulating you.

Find out what's wrong, and refer them to someone else who can help them. That way, you've done what you can do, but you're not putting yourself on the line.

[bo]

[quote=Warm Gums;2656283]I feel that allowing these people back into my life would be a huge mistake, especially as I am just getting back on my feet money wise, and emotionally after a lengthy term of underemployment./QUOTE]

You answered your own question. I agree.

[cobrat]

Originally Posted by Warm Gums

I have been estranged from my parents for the last 25 or so years.

When I was young, they engaged in verbal & physical abuse, undermined my efforts to better myself, & never missed a chance to intimidate me.

When I stayed in school, instead of leaving at 16 to work they basically froze me out, when I left at 18 to attend college they called me "greedy" and cut me off. Now they have let it be known that they are in financial difficulty and wish to speak with me about "doing my duty as a son". I am in no position to give any more than basic assistance, and they were set up for life a few years back by another relative, thru a trust which my mother dismantled in order to buy a high end car & put a large addition on their home.

I wish to be to be respectful, but I feel that allowing these people back into my life would be a huge mistake, especially as I am just getting back on my feet money wise, and emotionally after a lengthy term of underemployment.

Thoughts? (please avoid turning this in to a political or religious discussion)

IMO, your parents have forfeited their right to demand you "do your duty as a son" the moment they started to intimidate you and undermine your ability to better yourself, especially educationally.* Doubly so if their financial difficulties are caused by their own financial imprudence. IMHO, you have no reason to feel guilty if you choose to not only ignore your parents' "request/order", but also tell them to "kindly take a hike".

Funny as my father attempted to give me the same "lecture" dozens of times as a young adult despite the fact he did the same during my childhood and college years.....and like yourself.....doing so when he never paid one cent toward my educational expenses despite excelling and graduating with honors-level grades. Did I also mention he's also financially imprudent in ways similar to your description of your parents?

Although I do believe that children have a duty to financially support their parents in financial difficulties, that is assuming the parent(s) have fulfilled their duties as parents to provide encouragement and support in both emotional and financial support(to the best of their abilities) in your formative years and the financial difficulty was not caused by the parent(s)'s own financial imprudence such as gambling or wanton spendthriftness.


* I get a lot of "doing your duty as a son" lectures...and probably worse as that is very strong in the semi-traditionalist Chinese-American family I grew up in.....and it is non-reciprocal to boot. Fortunately, as someone who has taken the time to study Chinese history....not only do I have the ability to ignore them...but also argue back with counterpoints using Chinese historical and cultural references.

[winny pooh]

If the reason they are making contact is initiated by money, considering how they treated you, then you know what a bunch of douchebags they really are. Ignore them, make your own life. There is a huge difference between pride and dignity, this is a case of maintaining your basic dignity.

[KevinB]

If they are telling you to "do your duty as a son" I think that no matter what you do, it won't be enough for them and they will still continue to criticize you.

I'd just tell them that I had other priorities, so there is no point in any further conversation and they should make other plans for their financial well-being.

[rstaaf]

If it were me, the help I would offer would be advice. This is what I would tell them. "Sell the house, the car, any possessions that you do not need and downsize to something within your means."

Offer them help in moving or anything else they may need but let them know that "financial" help is not possible....

[castpolymer]

You are under no obligation to aid them. Life is far too short to be burdenend by that kind of relationship, irregardless of their relation to you. My wife refers to an " emotional bank " all the time. There are certain folks who always withdraw from yours, but never deposit. So true.

[St.Ignatius]

Some folks are toxic.

[cobrat]

Originally Posted by rstaaf

If it were me, the help I would offer would be advice. This is what I would tell them. "Sell the house, the car, any possessions that you do not need and downsize to something within your means."

Offer them help in moving or anything else they may need but let them know that "financial" help is not possible....

Not only could that be placing oneself far too much on the line, but oftentimes....such parents like the OP's would often ignore/belittle such advice anyways.

They're adults and should be expected to take care of themselves so long as they are not physically or mentally disabled or incapacitated.

[Guitar_Ninja]

I think it would be a huge mistake to let them back into your life in any way, shape or form.

[jmaul]

I've seen this financial situation happen in various ways- Parents giving money to kids, kids to parents, and between siblings. One thing I've seen consistently is that people who do not respect the value of the dollar and are able to get them for free from family end up repeatedly throwing away money on bad decisions/investments/etc. To add to that, the next thousand, hundred, whatever, is always "the last time, then I'll be able to pay you back because XYZ will happen just as soon as I have the money to get that ball rolling"...

I've seen people forced from excellent credit into bankruptcy, retirement or college savings accounts cleared out, and more all in the name of "supporting the family"... What it really means is covering for a family members making reckless and stupid financial decisions, which ultimately hurts the helper and allows the borrower to go on ruining their and others lives.

Do not give them a cent. Nothing. If they need emotional support or advice, that is up to your discretion, but I sure would be leery of having any contact at all, because it seems like it will constantly result in them asking for money and probably in guilt trips and emotional abuse through vague entitlement based statements like "being a good son".

[rstaaf]

Originally Posted by cobrat

Not only could that be placing oneself far too much on the line, but oftentimes....such parents like the OP's would often ignore/belittle such advice anyways.

They're adults and should be expected to take care of themselves so long as they are not physically or mentally disabled or incapacitated.

Obviously the OP is torn. I don't think he would be posting this here if he was inclined to just ignore their request. He is feeling the need to do something. My point is to just make it clear that financial support is off the table for discussion. The rest of my post about selling stuff was meant sarcastically, I tend to be a smart ass and would probably say far worse to his parents...

[Stratburst]

Originally Posted by E5RSY

For me, it would have a lot to do with where their hearts are. That said, from the "do your duty" comment, I'd really be disinclined to even consider helping. It sounds like they broke that contract long ago.

If you do decide to help, which would truly be very commendable on your part in light of the past, don't put yourself in the hole for them. Do what you can, nothing more (i.e. no co-signing on debt or anything extended like that).

Scott

That's my assessment as well. The "do your duty" comment shows that they haven't learned their lesson as parents and they need to be reminded of that. That said, the act of forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the forgivee; hopefully you can let go of the emotional damage they inflicted on you.

If you think you can give basic assistance while maintaining strict boundaries (your parents are still children in many ways, and need to be treated as such), then offer whatever assistance you can. However, if you think you can't do that, then don't go there. Your emotional health has to come first.

I've worked for several different social service agencies. I've dealt with addicts, hustlers, and a whole variety of other assorted problematic people. The most important thing here is to not allow them to start manipulating you.

Find out what's wrong, and refer them to someone else who can help them. That way, you've done what you can do, but you're not putting yourself on the line.

This is also good advice.

Good luck.

[Frontier9]

Originally Posted by rstaaf

If it were me, the help I would offer would be advice. This is what I would tell them. "Sell the house, the car, any possessions that you do not need and downsize to something within your means."

Offer them help in moving or anything else they may need but let them know that "financial" help is not possible....

After reading the comments in this thread, I'd have to say that this is the best advice. It is really all you can do - and of course it won't be enough for them... But you answer to yourself these days and if you take this route you will know in your heart that you are doing far more than enough.

[Dave Hopping]

Originally Posted by Ben Harmless

I've worked for several different social service agencies. I've dealt with addicts, hustlers, and a whole variety of other assorted problematic people. The most important thing here is to not allow them to start manipulating you.

Find out what's wrong, and refer them to someone else who can help them. That way, you've done what you can do, but you're not putting yourself on the line.

+1 One way to tell when you're being scammed is when you're asked for help and simultaneously being told what help to give.One is obligated to do right,but he also free to choose what that is.
It would seem that the OP's parents are facing what is called "elder issues",and if that's what's going on,he might might discharge the obligation to do the right thing by getting information about referral sources for elder services where his parents are.
He has no legal obligation whatever to give them money or pay service providers on their behalf.

[RCinMempho]

Do you actually know what they want?

[casadyrocks]

Originally Posted by Guitar_Ninja

I think it would be a huge mistake to let them back into your life in any way, shape or form.

As Michael Peter Smith wrote: "Beware of people who belong in you past- do not let them back in your life"

I have nothing to do with my mother or father- they can live their bizarre lives without without annoying me, or intruding on my extremely happy family life I have these days

[ggiles]

More of the same advice. Just try and be a decent human being.
You can only give what you can afford to give.
That may be money .. if you have some you can give but don't ever expect to see it again. Sounds like that isn't an option right now.
You can give advice ... here is what I would do if I was in your situation ... etc.

Either way once you do something you'll know what kind of people they are now and then you can adjust your life plan around them accordingly with few or no regrets.

[BLAM]

The saying "do unto others as you'd like done to yourself" holds a certain moral imperative for me. Two wrongs and all that...

[Commodore 64]

If it helps you come to grips emotionally...with the situation, then help them as much as you can. It boils down to what is best for your own mental health. After the way they treated you, that's all they can expect, and all you should feel obligated to do.

If you are cool with the estrangement, and have made peace with it, screw 'em. If not, and it will help you be at peace, help 'em.

[Joey]

Doesn't sound like they want to reconcile with the "do your duty as a son" line. Looks like they just want your money and that's it. I wish I was wrong and they wanted to repent and start a new. But it doesn't sound that way. Good luck with this.

[kidmo]

Originally Posted by RCinMempho

Take the high road and help them if you can. You won't regret it.

+1
Regardless of the way you parted, it must be agonizing to think about turning away your parents when they need you, I feel for you in this situation.
Speak to them neutrally, since they came to you only in financial terms. Find out all you can about their financial situation (how much they need and why), talk to them about selling off assets (high end car, house) and let them know to the penny what you can do to help and no more, do not overextend yourself. It may not feel right but doing what you can for your parents will come back many times over to you in the long run. IMO. Good luck and prayers sent to you and yours.

[Maxwell Street]

Relatives are an accident of birth. I don't think anyone has to suffer bad behavior because you happen to be "related".

[Brad Pittiful]

have your parents tried to make contact before...is this the first time youve heard from them in 25 years...if thats the case maybe its better just to say i cannot help you and forget about it

[bossaholic]

Wow...what a tough situation.

I agree with what most everyone has said in regards to telling them to suck it up like you had too, but you never know if this is the opportunity to heal that relationship...which I've seen happen.

But the key words to me is "doing your duty as a son"....which is out right manipulative, especially since they didn't fulfill their duty as parents.

If it were me, I'd tell them not to contact me anymore. They sound like they will drain you dry both financially and emotionally.

[barncat]

Originally Posted by jmaul

I've seen this financial situation happen in various ways- Parents giving money to kids, kids to parents, and between siblings. One thing I've seen consistently is that people who do not respect the value of the dollar and are able to get them for free from family end up repeatedly throwing away money on bad decisions/investments/etc. To add to that, the next thousand, hundred, whatever, is always "the last time, then I'll be able to pay you back because XYZ will happen just as soon as I have the money to get that ball rolling"...

I've seen people forced from excellent credit into bankruptcy, retirement or college savings accounts cleared out, and more all in the name of "supporting the family"... What it really means is covering for a family members making reckless and stupid financial decisions, which ultimately hurts the helper and allows the borrower to go on ruining their and others lives.

Do not give them a cent. Nothing. If they need emotional support or advice, that is up to your discretion, but I sure would be leery of having any contact at all, because it seems like it will constantly result in them asking for money and probably in guilt trips and emotional abuse through vague entitlement based statements like "being a good son".

Yep, you say they were "set up for life" by another relative and blew the money. If you help them out they are going to do the same with your money. You don't owe them a thing.

[Joe-Bob]

IMHO -- You have no business giving them a single penny. They burned that bridge a long time ago. So now that they've pissed away their trust fund money, they think you should let them piss away all of your money.

Do Not Do It!!!

[ADinNYC]

I say cut em loose and don't look back. If you have kids keep them far away. Glad you were able to overcome this and lead a normal life. You should be proud.

[smsuryan]

Originally Posted by Tim Armstrong

They initiated the break between you and them, sounds to me like they're only your biological parents, and nothing more...

Tim

what tim said...