Corporate Jargon

ScatMan · July 15th, 2008, 12:31 AM

I'm semi-retired from the corporate world but I've been thinking about some of the funny words and phrases that we used that you would never use in the "real world". Like for example:

Action plan
Deliverables
Face time
Non-value added
On the same page
Out of the loop
Push-back
Right-Sizing
Synergize
Throughput

..So a hypothetical conversation might go something like this:

Megamax Corp. Manager A:

“Well Bill, what do you think of the company’s new business model?”

Megamax Corp. Manager B:

“Well Ted, I’ve been out of the loop lately and haven’t had enough face time with Norm to see if we‘re still on the same page, but I think our action plan for right-sizing our workforce won’t see too much push-back from the shareholders. After all, if we minimize non-value throughput and maximize deliverables, we’ll be in a better position to synergize our goals with the affiliates.

Has anyone else now in the corporate world or retired from it have examples of this type of "business-speak"?

garytelecastor · July 15th, 2008, 12:38 AM

Scatman, it is imperative that you and I take a meeting on this and get proactive.

getbent · July 15th, 2008, 01:03 AM

I have found all of these terms work in a sexual context... but that it is just me...

ghosttour · July 15th, 2008, 01:04 AM

HA! Love it. I've noticed I picked up "per" somewhere along the line - i.e. "Frank has been caught up to speed and we'll proceed as planned per my email yesterday."

Yuck!

Telewilly · July 15th, 2008, 01:07 AM

Path forward always made me chuckle.

Nick JD · July 15th, 2008, 02:51 AM

No brainer gets me. I had a boss who rarely finished a sentence without slipping it in there. The company went under - so perhaps he was right all along.

ednew · July 15th, 2008, 03:53 AM

"At the end of the day".........................

Been putting up with that for almost 20 years!

E

Telemaniac · July 15th, 2008, 05:58 AM

Get these all the time, and have to admit I've found myself slipping these phrases in from time to time and slapping my wrist - especially I seem to have developed an affinity for "moving forward" . . . .

What I really dislike is the phrase "to be honest", especially when it's from a salesperson - so, everything else you have said is a lie?

WallyArms · July 15th, 2008, 06:08 AM

If you have been tortured with any of Deming's Total Quality Management stuff, it seemed to have its own lingo too (I refer to it as TQspeak). I cringe every time I hear the term "paradigm shift". We called it Total Quality Leadership in the Navy and while I don't disagree with the basics of it, I found it hilarious that what basically boils down to common sense was turned into a never ending series of meetings and paperwork, all in the name of "process improvement".

I work in manufacturing now, so now I cringe when I hear the terms "lean manufacturing" (I think leaning too far results in falling on ones face) and "continual improvement" (is it really possible for improvement to be an infinite thing?)....

Durtdog · July 15th, 2008, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by getbent

I have found all of these terms work in a sexual context... but that it is just me...

You're giving us a good 10,000-foot view of the issue, but we need to drill down into the detail to dialogue effectively.

dijos · July 15th, 2008, 09:10 AM

there are 2 at my job-feedback and coaching. Basically ways to yell at you without making it sound mean.

Big John · July 15th, 2008, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by getbent

I have found all of these terms work in a sexual context... but that it is just me...

Well, we're going to have to run that up the flag pole and matrix some intuitive deliverables, lets not bother about cultivating any back-end markets though !

studio1087 · July 15th, 2008, 10:11 AM

Dialogue.....we don't have conversations anymore; we have dialogue.

The nice thing about a dialogue is that it usually accompanies a $50 lunch receipt for two that I can put on my expenses.

I'm having a JIT and TQM dialouge with one of our salesreps tomorrow AMASAP.

Paradigm shift, corporate initiative and new critical measurement usually means that someone is being released.

We don't fire support people anymore; we release, separate from or excuse them.....and then the work of 6 people gets lumped onto 5 people.

It's such a blessing that I work for a good person. I shouldn't even joke about these trends. Bad karma could bite me in the *ss.

How about guys who use boatloads of acronyms in a meeting to act like they're the alpha dog? Stop it. I love the acronym guys. There should be a starched shirt, empty suit cartoon character called Acronym Man.

I love this (sick) movie....

e-merlin · July 15th, 2008, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScatMan

“Well Ted, I’ve been out of the loop lately and haven’t had enough face time with Norm to see if we‘re still on the same page, but I think our action plan for right-sizing our workforce won’t see too much push-back from the shareholders. After all, if we minimize non-value throughput and maximize deliverables, we’ll be in a better position to synergize our goals with the affiliates.

Now I know where workplace shooters come from. If I had to listen to that all day, I'd probably be down at Uncle Bill's Gun Farm filling out the background check paperwork.

On the other hand, I think we can all agree that this would be a situation tailor-made for workplace flatulence.

And, if I never hear or see the phrase "mission statement" again, it'll be too soon!

Derek S · July 15th, 2008, 11:01 AM

"Let's parking lot that question," is especially great and useless. There has never been a "parking lot" question in history that has eventually been answered.

Luckily, I'm not around corporate speak anymore. We just talk about "putting money on the board" and "what's for
lunch?"

freshmattyp · July 15th, 2008, 11:12 AM

Are we done concepting yet?

cacibi · July 15th, 2008, 12:45 PM

From an actual email I received at work (some words removed for privacy):

'I am excited to be part of a progressive thinking company as the manager of the XXXXX Group after spending my last X years working at a large software company in XXXXX. I am currently evaluating our team process so that we can bring a high level support group that prides itself on collaboration within XXXXX and I need your help to make this possible. Your name was given to me as a key person here at XXXXX and I would like to spend some time understanding how your team interacts with the XXXXX of the XXXXX and the engagement process XXXXX uses to work together with you on issues.

I am really open to feedback on what has worked successfully in the past and new ideas on how to improve our teams interaction in the future. Please let me know if there is a time we can get together to meet in person for about 30 minutes as I would like to start a continuing dialog with you and your team. I will be asking a few questions about overall perception of the team, how your organization engages XXXXX, current best practices and then gather any open issues in an effort to help build synergy between our teams.'

I must have read this email 10 times and still had no idea what the guy wanted to meet with me about.

My favorite corporate process is 'Self-Appraisals' which is basically a management tool for managers who are too lazy to evaluate their staff annually. Like anyone in the world is going to give themselves a bad appraisal. So useless. Since when does it matter what kind of job I think I'm doing? Shouldn't it only matter what kind of job my boss thinks I'm doing?

Eric Karonen · July 15th, 2008, 12:54 PM

BS Bingo can make any corporate meeting fly by.

sixstringbastard · July 15th, 2008, 12:58 PM

Branding. When I heard we were all headed to a branding seminar I was hoping to be the brander and not the brandee.

studio1087 · July 15th, 2008, 01:06 PM

I just remembered something. Back in the days of the Palm Pilot (pre blackberry) there was a game called Wank Words Bingo that a bunch of us had in our Palm Pilots. It was a bingo game where you crossed off bingo squares when someone in a meeting said a business jargon term. When someone won, all the palm pilots would silently beam each other to silently announce the winner.

I can remember playing chess and wank words bingo on my Palm Pilot.

Look at this.......................

http://www.hobotraveler.com/wankwordbingo.htm

mistermullens · July 15th, 2008, 01:09 PM

TPS REPORTS!

I love this thread because I hate this jargon with a passion. There was an IBM commercial a few months back that talked about corporate "buzzwords" and I loved it.

ghosttour · July 15th, 2008, 01:31 PM

I used to have some of these terms on my resumé to lend an air of "professionalism" - then I realized it just made me sound like everyone else. Now I just have a bulleted list of skills and accomplishments.

A friend of mine introduced me to "teaching the elephant to dance" - still not sure what that means, but I hope gentbent isn't going to use that one in a sexual context.

RiverDog · July 15th, 2008, 01:49 PM

Where I work we don't collect data and submit a report to the managers we roll it up to them.

Sometimes we facilitate things in between escalated issues. I know there's so many more but I can't think of them.

celtobilly · July 15th, 2008, 02:00 PM

Way to keep corporate jargon "top of mind," gang!

My wife's in PR/Communications, where this kind of thing is like a virus.

July 15th, 2008, 12:31 AM	#1 (permalink)
ScatMan Tele-Meister Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: TexasLand Posts: 168	Corporate Jargon I'm semi-retired from the corporate world but I've been thinking about some of the funny words and phrases that we used that you would never use in the "real world". Like for example: Action plan Deliverables Face time Non-value added On the same page Out of the loop Push-back Right-Sizing Synergize Throughput ..So a hypothetical conversation might go something like this: Megamax Corp. Manager A: “Well Bill, what do you think of the company’s new business model?” Megamax Corp. Manager B: “Well Ted, I’ve been out of the loop lately and haven’t had enough face time with Norm to see if we‘re still on the same page, but I think our action plan for right-sizing our workforce won’t see too much push-back from the shareholders. After all, if we minimize non-value throughput and maximize deliverables, we’ll be in a better position to synergize our goals with the affiliates. Has anyone else now in the corporate world or retired from it have examples of this type of "business-speak"?

July 15th, 2008, 12:38 AM	#2 (permalink)
garytelecastor Friend of Leo's Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Minnesota Posts: 3,542 18 Photos	Scatman, it is imperative that you and I take a meeting on this and get proactive. __________________ éí 'aaníígÓÓ 'áhoot'é Would you mind holding this bag while we go through the custom shop????? Redd Volkaert is a Jedi Knight at one with the Force!!!

July 15th, 2008, 01:03 AM	#3 (permalink)
getbent Moderator Doctor of Teleocity Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: San Benito County, California Posts: 10,004 37 Photos	I have found all of these terms work in a sexual context... but that it is just me... __________________ 'never pet a burning dog'

July 15th, 2008, 01:04 AM	#4 (permalink)
ghosttour Tele-Meister Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Atlanta, GA Age: 36 Posts: 473 6 Photos	HA! Love it. I've noticed I picked up "per" somewhere along the line - i.e. "Frank has been caught up to speed and we'll proceed as planned per my email yesterday." Yuck! __________________ www.myspace.com/brasssaddles

July 15th, 2008, 02:51 AM	#6 (permalink)
Nick JD Friend of Leo's Join Date: May 2007 Location: North NSW, Australia Age: 36 Posts: 2,480	No brainer gets me. I had a boss who rarely finished a sentence without slipping it in there. The company went under - so perhaps he was right all along. __________________

July 15th, 2008, 01:07 AM	#5 (permalink)
Telewilly Tele-Meister Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Katmandoo Posts: 188	Path forward always made me chuckle.

July 15th, 2008, 03:53 AM	#7 (permalink)
ednew Tele-Meister Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Whidbey Island, WA Age: 61 Posts: 432	"At the end of the day"......................... Been putting up with that for almost 20 years! E

July 15th, 2008, 05:58 AM	#8 (permalink)
Telemaniac Tele-Afflicted Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Wokingham, England Age: 56 Posts: 1,248 2 Photos	Get these all the time, and have to admit I've found myself slipping these phrases in from time to time and slapping my wrist - especially I seem to have developed an affinity for "moving forward" . . . . What I really dislike is the phrase "to be honest", especially when it's from a salesperson - so, everything else you have said is a lie? __________________ Growing old is mandatory . . . growing up is optional

July 15th, 2008, 06:08 AM	#9 (permalink)
WallyArms Tele-Holic Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: TN Posts: 938	If you have been tortured with any of Deming's Total Quality Management stuff, it seemed to have its own lingo too (I refer to it as TQspeak). I cringe every time I hear the term "paradigm shift". We called it Total Quality Leadership in the Navy and while I don't disagree with the basics of it, I found it hilarious that what basically boils down to common sense was turned into a never ending series of meetings and paperwork, all in the name of "process improvement". I work in manufacturing now, so now I cringe when I hear the terms "lean manufacturing" (I think leaning too far results in falling on ones face) and "continual improvement" (is it really possible for improvement to be an infinite thing?).... __________________ Save The Hymnals!

July 15th, 2008, 09:10 AM	#11 (permalink)
dijos Tele-Meister Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: St. Pete Age: 34 Posts: 236	there are 2 at my job-feedback and coaching. Basically ways to yell at you without making it sound mean. __________________ "Kid, it takes a long time"-Danny Kalb to me in NYC, 1992

July 15th, 2008, 10:11 AM	#13 (permalink)
studio1087 Friend of Leo's Join Date: May 2003 Location: Near Milwaukee Age: 44 Posts: 3,950 36 Photos	Dialogue.....we don't have conversations anymore; we have dialogue. The nice thing about a dialogue is that it usually accompanies a $50 lunch receipt for two that I can put on my expenses. I'm having a JIT and TQM dialouge with one of our salesreps tomorrow AMASAP. Paradigm shift, corporate initiative and new critical measurement usually means that someone is being released. We don't fire support people anymore; we release, separate from or excuse them.....and then the work of 6 people gets lumped onto 5 people. It's such a blessing that I work for a good person. I shouldn't even joke about these trends. Bad karma could bite me in the *ss. How about guys who use boatloads of acronyms in a meeting to act like they're the alpha dog? Stop it. I love the acronym guys. There should be a starched shirt, empty suit cartoon character called Acronym Man. I love this (sick) movie.... __________________ JLG Carry On

July 15th, 2008, 11:01 AM	#15 (permalink)
Derek S Tele-Meister Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: EL PUEBLO VIEJO Posts: 370	"Let's parking lot that question," is especially great and useless. There has never been a "parking lot" question in history that has eventually been answered. Luckily, I'm not around corporate speak anymore. We just talk about "putting money on the board" and "what's for lunch?" __________________ "Derek's good t'night"-Mick Jagger

July 15th, 2008, 11:12 AM	#16 (permalink)
freshmattyp Tele-Holic Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Kansas City Age: 42 Posts: 949 18 Photos	Are we done concepting yet?

July 15th, 2008, 12:45 PM	#17 (permalink)
cacibi Tele-Afflicted Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Seattle Posts: 1,739	From an actual email I received at work (some words removed for privacy): 'I am excited to be part of a progressive thinking company as the manager of the XXXXX Group after spending my last X years working at a large software company in XXXXX. I am currently evaluating our team process so that we can bring a high level support group that prides itself on collaboration within XXXXX and I need your help to make this possible. Your name was given to me as a key person here at XXXXX and I would like to spend some time understanding how your team interacts with the XXXXX of the XXXXX and the engagement process XXXXX uses to work together with you on issues. I am really open to feedback on what has worked successfully in the past and new ideas on how to improve our teams interaction in the future. Please let me know if there is a time we can get together to meet in person for about 30 minutes as I would like to start a continuing dialog with you and your team. I will be asking a few questions about overall perception of the team, how your organization engages XXXXX, current best practices and then gather any open issues in an effort to help build synergy between our teams.' I must have read this email 10 times and still had no idea what the guy wanted to meet with me about. My favorite corporate process is 'Self-Appraisals' which is basically a management tool for managers who are too lazy to evaluate their staff annually. Like anyone in the world is going to give themselves a bad appraisal. So useless. Since when does it matter what kind of job I think I'm doing? Shouldn't it only matter what kind of job my boss thinks I'm doing? __________________ www.krisgeren.com

July 15th, 2008, 12:54 PM	#18 (permalink)
Eric Karonen Tele-Afflicted Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Toronto, Canada Age: 56 Posts: 1,329	BS Bingo can make any corporate meeting fly by. __________________ Sounds the tough horn, and twangs the quivering string. --Pope (1688-1744)

July 15th, 2008, 12:58 PM	#19 (permalink)
sixstringbastard Tele-Meister Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Pittsburgh PA Age: 35 Posts: 195	Branding. When I heard we were all headed to a branding seminar I was hoping to be the brander and not the brandee.

July 15th, 2008, 01:06 PM	#20 (permalink)
studio1087 Friend of Leo's Join Date: May 2003 Location: Near Milwaukee Age: 44 Posts: 3,950 36 Photos	I just remembered something. Back in the days of the Palm Pilot (pre blackberry) there was a game called Wank Words Bingo that a bunch of us had in our Palm Pilots. It was a bingo game where you crossed off bingo squares when someone in a meeting said a business jargon term. When someone won, all the palm pilots would silently beam each other to silently announce the winner. I can remember playing chess and wank words bingo on my Palm Pilot. Look at this....................... http://www.hobotraveler.com/wankwordbingo.htm __________________ JLG Carry On

July 15th, 2008, 01:09 PM	#21 (permalink)
mistermullens Friend of Leo's Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Atlanta Age: 31 Posts: 2,299 51 Photos	TPS REPORTS! I love this thread because I hate this jargon with a passion. There was an IBM commercial a few months back that talked about corporate "buzzwords" and I loved it. __________________ When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. - Jimi Hendrix

July 15th, 2008, 01:31 PM	#22 (permalink)
ghosttour Tele-Meister Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Atlanta, GA Age: 36 Posts: 473 6 Photos	I used to have some of these terms on my resumé to lend an air of "professionalism" - then I realized it just made me sound like everyone else. Now I just have a bulleted list of skills and accomplishments. A friend of mine introduced me to "teaching the elephant to dance" - still not sure what that means, but I hope gentbent isn't going to use that one in a sexual context. __________________ www.myspace.com/brasssaddles

July 15th, 2008, 01:49 PM	#23 (permalink)
RiverDog Tele-Meister Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: St. Augustine, FL Age: 39 Posts: 339	Where I work we don't collect data and submit a report to the managers we *roll it up* to them. Sometimes we facilitate things in between escalated issues. I know there's so many more but I can't think of them. __________________ Aaron "Rain is God's way of washing off hippies." - Demetri Martin

July 15th, 2008, 02:00 PM	#24 (permalink)
celtobilly Tele-Meister Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Washington, DC Age: 41 Posts: 145 1 Photos	Way to keep corporate jargon "top of mind," gang! My wife's in PR/Communications, where this kind of thing is like a virus.