Sometimes getting into a band can end a friendship....

[Dave_O]

Had a sad week this week. My guitar buddy of two years has had a tough few months with work, and his playing was suffering for it- just forgetting stuff, and getting totally lost while playing a 12 bar... stuff like that. We had been good mates up until I said (I can hear the collective intake of breath here...) that I was going to bench him from th original band project we were doing, so that he could focus on his work commitments. We still have a blues duo: just vocals, guitar, bass and foot-driven percussion that was gigging every two weeks.
A few days went by, with all seeming to be OK, then one evening while I was at work (I work afternoon/nightshift) he comes over, drops off some gear, and then emails me with what basically was "I quit, see ya later, have a nice life."
I've tried to speak to him, but he won't answer phone, SMS or email. I think it sad and (I'll say it) silly.
Was I too harsh?? Seriously, anyone else I would've sacked months before.

[Pete Galati]

That's too bad.

Being in a band with a friend causes problems a friendship wouldn't normally have.

Hopefully, this'll blow over.

[PeteMac]

Jeez Dave, sorry to hear it.

Talk to ya soon

[octatonic]

One of the reasons I try to work with people that I faintly loathe. :-)

Give him a few days- it is hard on the ego.
You probably weren't being harsh but friends will always assume that the friendship comes first if they are on the receiving end of it.

It would be rare for a hobby or semi-pro band member to adopt the attitude of 'Well I wasn't up to scratch, so I understand why they did it".
He likely views this as a betrayal on your part.

Is he the sort of person who would be ok if you just stumped up on his doorstep saying "Hey, I've been trying to contact you, I think we need to talk" or is he likely to reach for a gun?
Might be an idea... in a week or so.

[AngelStrummer]

Being in a band requires at least as much work as being in a sentimental relationship, with no guarantees.

I fell out with two good friends at different points in my life - c'est la vie.

[Colo Springs E]

......I'm so grateful that my departure from my band has been smooth and very friendly. I've spent a good 5-6 hours with the guy who's replacing me, he's a super nice guy and an AWESOME guitarist.

It would've crushed me if they would've fired me for whatever reason. It would've made things awkward for a while, but I honestly think I'd still be friends with them all.

Maybe your friend just needs some time to "grieve?"

Hope it all works out okay...

[Telarkaster]

Were you too harsh? Depends.

Is this a hobby band or a full time professional project? How bad was he? Did you talk to him about his playing before and give him a chance to get his act together? How did the other members in the band feel?

I can't comment on this particular situation but most people in most jobs don't get fired by someone else, they end up firing themselves by putting their boss in a situation where he-she has no choice: showing up late, not showing up at all, attitude, poor performance, etc... I don't think you really wanted to fire this person from the way you described the situation, I think he did it to himself.

[guitbusy]

It is hard because if other things in his life weren't going well, he probably sees this as one more thing. Then you get all of the anger directed at you, not just the part proportional to the band issue. I think if you were clear with expectations up front and had informed him numerous times that he wasn't meeting them, then you had every right to ask him to sit out for a little bit. It can be very trick though because you don't want to make it seem you are cutting off the band and relationships, because from the sound of his other problems he needs some friends right now...

This wouldn't be Third Day and Brad Avery would it? http://thirdday.blogs.com/third_day_...day-and-b.html

[hollowman]

Man, this has really been on my mind for the last few months... My good buddy who I've known for years, plays bass for our band, but REFUSES to practice, take lessons, even have a band songbook. When we learn a new song, we have to re-teach him the song every week til he gets it. We are amatuers, semi-pros maybe (we do get paid gigs). Now i'm thinking about quiting because I'm afraid of what might happen to the friendship if I don't... We've tried joking and hints, etc, but still the same 'ole, same 'ole. We have a gig next weekend and it might be the last for this outfit. AND our practice studio is in his basement. I hate the thought of finding another group, starting from scratch with another band, but I'm at the breaking point

[beep.click]

Life is episodic. Nothing is "final" or "forever," including "final" and "forever." Who knows what will happen next???

Hopefully, we learn some stuff, as we go along...

[Charlie Bernstein]

He wasn't really your friend.

[woodman]

if indeed he was your friend, it'll blow over in time. (hurt pride, etc.) ... if it doesn't blow over, Charlie is right.

[Dave_O]

Thanks, guys. In answer to some of the posts (in no particular order) yes, it had been mentioned quite a few times, it was semi-pro (as in we get paid, but not enough to make a living!!), and there are a LOT of things going on in his life (work-wise and business-wise). I think in a week or so he might calm down and reconsider. But I got a gig next Friday.....

"One of the reasons I try to work with people that I faintly loathe. :-)"-- there is some twisted wisdom in that!!

Time will tell, I suppose.
Thanks,
Dave

[trag-o-caster]

he comes over, drops off some gear, and then emails me with what basically was "I quit, see ya later, have a nice life."
I've tried to speak to him, but he won't answer phone, SMS or email.

Judging from the above, I'd say give him time to cool down - maybe a week, maybe longer. If, after several days, he STILL won't talk to you, then there may be some permanent damage to the friendship. He has to be willing to hash this out with you. I'm not sure if you were too harsh on him or not - I'll have to go back and read over your initial post, but if he's not willing to communicate - then it's a stalemate until further notice.

Some folks can't take criticism of ANY kind - no matter how kind or constructive you are about it. That's sad because in order to learn and grow, you need to be able to take criticism and learn from it - or ignore it as the case may be.

Give him some time. If he doesn't come around, then it may be truly over and done.

Edited to add:

We had been good mates up until I said (I can hear the collective intake of breath here...) that I was going to bench him from th original band project we were doing, so that he could focus on his work commitments.

That could be taken a couple of different ways. Were you being sarcastic? You could've even been joking around. I'm not sure how you presented this statement to him - and that would make a big difference in how he reacted to it. Is he really wrapped up in his work? Is it something that just cannot take a backseat to the music thing? I guess it's all in how you said it, and how he took it.

[GoldieLocks]

I've fired quite a few friends from my band over the years. That pretty much ended all the relationships right there. Everybody wants to be a musician untill they actually have to do some work (Or learn to really play BASS ).

But if I look back. I can see that none of them really had that drive in the 1st place. I totally believe the only way to be a successful band is to take the hardest working members from 4 bands, and put them into one band. I'm still waiting for those 3 other bands to give me a call.

[xjazzy]

I've been there.
The best drummer I ever played with was the guy that grew up with me since '98, the time we became serious about music. So we grew up musically together. Even our teachers were brothers!
Then, he became strange, little talk and stuff, and decided that he would leave a new project we were preparing, to stay with the same people that have cheated our trust and we never talked again.
I really miss his playing and the music talk we had because we understood each other without needing to say a word.

It's sad, but that's how life goes.

[Flannel Pat]

There's a guy that I used to play in a band with that is going to be in a hell of a lot of pain if I ever run into him again.

[fierce_carrot]

you said it was "silly"...but it's evidently not to him..it sounds like he is having to deal with real life...and he decided that right now...his priorities are not playing music...I can't see a single thing wrong with that kind of thinking at all....

[Guitar_Ninja]

As unfortunate and unpleasant an experience as it is I have to agree on the silliness. Regardless of what went down, to drop some gear off, pretend everything's okay for a week and then send an email without actually talking to you face-to-face about it? Let's call it what it is. He took his ball and went home. Little boys do that sometimes.

[Dave_O]

Originally Posted by fierce_carrot

you said it was "silly"...but it's evidently not to him..it sounds like he is having to deal with real life...and he decided that right now...his priorities are not playing music...I can't see a single thing wrong with that kind of thinking at all....

I know what you're saying-- he runs 3 businesses and has a hell of a lot on his plate. I just wish he'd said a few months ago "this is all too much", and we could still be able to jam in the carport, drink a few beers and talk crap, without the pressure of "here's 10 new songs to learn for this weekend away".
Oh well....

[fierce_carrot]

Originally Posted by Dave_O

I know what you're saying-- he runs 3 businesses and has a hell of a lot on his plate. I just wish he'd said a few months ago "this is all too much", and we could still be able to jam in the carport, drink a few beers and talk crap, without the pressure of "here's 10 new songs to learn for this weekend away".
Oh well....

As a business owner for almost 23 years, it's very easy to get in over your head and not be able to see it because you are so heavily involved and don't have the luxury of standing back and seeing it from a different perspective. It's the classic "can't see the forest thru the trees" scenario. When business pressures hit, they have a way of instantly overshadowing almost all things in life. Been there, done that personally. If you value his friendship, then give him a couple of weeks, and then try to reestablish contact, try to keep the door open, even if it's just a crack....show him what a true friend you are..I can promise you he will appreciate it...but it make take some time..it sounds to me like he has the hellhounds on his trail right now...

[Acephspades]

It happens....

Me and the ex-lead singer/rhythm guitarist were friends for 5 years, 3 of those years prior to our band. Me and him put it together actually. He became a little difficult to work with at times and our friendship became acquaintences to eventually him becoming someone I didn't want to know anymore. I haven't seen hide nor hair of him for about a year and a half and we both live in the same town. His brother tried talking me into giving him another chance which I hem hawed over, giving it serious consideration until he tried forcing himself on my girlfriend one night during one of her "girls night out" and that sealed the deal for me. I gave him a call and now he goes out of his way to avoid me. I'm not looking for him but if we cross paths someday I'll remind him.

In hind-sight we were friends at one time in the beginning but after everything that has happened he was only using us and by other things he's done he proved he never really was a friend at all. No love loss here.

I believe the only true friends we ever make are during our years in school. As an adult I've worked with some really cool people over the years but it seems every time I would switch a job none of my "friends" from previous jobs never really stuck with me, I move on and my time for them diminishes, nothing against them but that's the way it goes. The only friends I stay in contact with on a regular basis are those ones I made in grade school it seems.

[Douglas_Holt]

I know the feeling all to well. A couple years ago my bass player for over 10 years was haveing money troubles. He's on dissability, so I, my tender hearted self, cosign for his electric bill. I got stuck with a $400.00 light bill and he's gone. Last year I hired a new bass player that I'd known for 20+ years. He took my wife and they're gone.

Go figure.

Doug

[Dave_O]

fierce_carrot"""As a business owner for almost 23 years, it's very easy to get in over your head and not be able to see it because you are so heavily involved and don't have the luxury of standing back and seeing it from a different perspective. It's the classic "can't see the forest thru the trees" scenario. When business pressures hit, they have a way of instantly overshadowing almost all things in life. Been there, done that personally. If you value his friendship, then give him a couple of weeks, and then try to reestablish contact, try to keep the door open, even if it's just a crack....show him what a true friend you are..I can promise you he will appreciate it...but it make take some time..it sounds to me like he has the hellhounds on his trail right now..."""


Speakin' the truth there, my friend, That's the plan for now-- give him some space.


""Last year I hired a new bass player that I'd known for 20+ years. He took my wife and they're gone.
Go figure.
Doug""


I know that one too, Doug. Happened about 8 years ago. That can be hard. Good bass players are hard to find.....