Overbearing folks at gigs who mean well...what to do?

Hey fellas,

At one of my gigs we play a mixture of blues and classic rock and there's this one guy who started showing up quite regularly. I can tell he genuinely digs the music and heaps praise on us (deserved or not is another matter :lol:), but he's starting to get on my nerves a bit. Here's why:

1) He usually ends the evening well under the influence and can't stop blabbing. I usually have to extricate myself with an excuse of some sort.

2) He keeps telling me to turn up my guitar, especially the treble. I always appreciate feedback on improving my sound, but I'm going deaf on stage as it is (Tele/Strat through DRRI) and I told him I leave the front of house sound to the sound guy, but owing to point 1 the message usually doesn't get through and he keeps blabbing about turning it up.

3) He's generous to a fault and it's making me uneasy. Last night he brought a custom shop Tele and an SRV strat for me and the other guitar player in my band to use, saying that he'd like to hear them in a live setting. I wasn't too keen on that because those guitars probably cost more than I can afford and I didn't want the risk of leaving any marks/dings/dents on them. I'm sure most of you would agree that gig rigs are a very personal thing anyway.

Still, I thought it'd be rude to turn him down flat so I tried the strat for a few songs. My bandmate liked the Tele and used it for the whole gig, but I didn't quite get along with the SRV strat so I switched back to my own rig for the rest of the gig.

I passed it back to him and thanked him for his generosity, while apologising for not using it more by making an excuse about the strings being too light. He immediately offered to re-string it and bring it back, so I thought I'd try the direct approach and told him I prefer to play my own guitars at gigs. Again, perhaps owing to point 1 he starts about wanting to bring some other guitars for me to play and all, at which point I have extricate myself again (had to throw away a broken string before it poked someone's eye out :lol:)




So, that being said, I know he means well and I really don't want to blow him off, but at the same time I feel it's starting to cross the line into interfering with the gig and quite frankly, it's starting to feel quite patronising. It's just as well that yesterday evening was my last gig at that venue so I probably won't have to see him for a bit, but how would you folks handle something like this? Or am I just being eccentric/idiosyncratic/over-sensitive?

I would react the same way you did. You're a very polite guy, and you know the value of making nice with your fans, but I agree that this dude is too much. Perhaps he's lonely and hasn't got much of a life otherwise. I knew someone like that who hung around The Good Rats all the time. They called him Vinnie Boombotz. He was a bit of an outcast type guy, so the band more or less adopted him and made him an unofficial roadie. He came to all their gigs.

I don't know what to tell you otherwise. If he really starts interfering with the band's performance, I think you should calmly just tell him what he's doing, and say you know he means well, he has to just lay back and let you do the gig.

Good luck.

Yea, you are best friends for life...other poster is right..probably lonely
treat with kid gloves....
Remember how you had to break up with girls.
use the same...
Its not you , its me....we have to get professional, here, bar mgmt, etc, etc.

When are you guys playing here again? If you didn't like my Tele I have tons of other guitars you can try!

http://www.weeatfilms.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/american-psycho-christian-bale.jpg

Ya know, I think you did the right thing. This guy is trying to be a good guy, and so are you. Lots of well-meaning folk can wind up being annoying, but grin and bear it and you'll have a fan for life. He doesn't sound like some psycho stalker, just a guy trying to be a cool guy and missing by a little bit.

just a guy trying to be a cool guy and missing by a little bit.

That's a really nice way of putting it, well done!

I've never had anyone bring in an instrument and want me to play it. That's a new one.

I always used "my insurance won't cover it" line about letting people I didn't know sit in, or play on my gear, or whatever. You could use that same line.

Keep in mind you're leaving yourself open to trouble down the road...if he gets home and sees a scratch on his guitar (not saying you did it) he can claim you did, make sense?

I agree with others, he's probably lonely, and views you guys as friends, so try to treat him well, buy him a drink now and then, so on. Let him know you appreciate him, and all that, but I would not put myself into a liability position with anyone.

... Darryl; they come to almost every show. They stand right in front, pump their fists, and really GROOVE to the music, which is nice ... but ...

... they come up and talk,while I'm trying to play ... or shake my hand, WHILE I'm trying to play ... and, our music is not really of the "fist-pumping" genre ('70s funk) ...

... not to offend, but they're kind of "special", and I don't want to hurt their feelings, so I am as tactfully kind as I can be ...

... now I feel badly ...

Peace.

Ask him if he has accepted JC as his lord and saviour, and could you share your testimony with him.
If that doesn't scare him off, tell him he has a purty mouth. :mrgreen::grin:

There's something to be said for playing behind chicken wire.

Ask him if he has accepted JC as his lord and saviour, and could you share your testimony with him.
If that doesn't scare him off, tell him he has a purty mouth. :mrgreen::grin:

+1

When I was younger, I would figure out what I thought were clever ways out of situations like that, which I think must happen to every gigging musician now and then. I really hate myself for some of the things I said to these kinds of guys. I think you're being able to regard yourself as a good guy all throughout your life trumps the inconvenience you're suffering. I really, truly understand how you feel, and it used to annoy the hell out of me. My advice is to embrace his enthusiasm and actions with open arms. Maybe you could always reserve certain songs with a particular set up of yours, but not making a blanket rejection of his offers. It's the price good guys like you pay for a career in entertainment; but it is also one of the rewards.

I don't mean to judge you at all, just letting you know how I had come to feel about it.

You have to be honest and draw boundaries, and some people aren't going to like it. Those "some" people are the ones that cause the most problems. Be polite at first but stand your ground and be firm if you need to be. The audience deserves the best you can give them, and you can't be at your best if one person is dominating your attention.

Some people you cannot be polite with because they take advantage of you. Don't be afraid to upset someone if you have to. People who drink too much think the world revolves around them, and it does until somebody uses a little tough love to draw boundaries.

If he's being too pushy, tell him you like your guitar and volume, and do not apologize. Put your foot down with obnoxious people or they will take you down Primrose Lane.

If you let people like this run your show, who's show is it? Therefore, do what you have to to perform well. No guilt in doing what you have to, if you consider that the rest of the audience deserves you at your best.

Knowing how to say no is very important if you want to be happy and in control of your life. The kind of people that cannot accept your no should be weeded out or they will take your garden!

You don't have to have everyone like you to be a good person. But your success is your responsibility alone, and so be vigilant against negative influences, including emotions of fear, doubt, and guilt. Have confidence that your music is worth enough to others for you to fight for it if neccesary.

Yeah, that's a tough one and unfortunately all too common.

If I can get a read on them - religious persuasion, political affiliation, sexual orientation - I go hard core the opposite direction on them. So far it works most of the time. Also, unless your significant other is there with you, tell him you're really hot for this chick (or dude) hanging at the bar and you need to make a move. If your wife or GF is there tell him that they're incredibly insecure (or jealous) and that if you don't get over there ASAP there's gonna be hell to pay.

*I had a guy 'make' me play his guitar all night once. I broke 3 strings and let drool and sweat drip on to it. He never brought another one.

These days I'm actually 'aggressively' stand-offish (if that makes any sense) if I 'sense' a situation like that may ensue.

I'd sit down with him, lay it out on a plate, tell him he's cool, but you're working and need to use your tools and concentrate; so if you appear brash or rude at some point its for that reason. Say, "You're obviously knowledgable about music and playing, so I'll know you'll understand."
Then, on future encounters, acknowledge him, shake his hand ..... move on. Buy him a beer once a month. :wink:

My gentle 2c.

I hate dealing with people like that.. Over-enthusiastic drunks, can't get them to shut up and leave me alone, they just want to be my friend, play my gear, tell us all the songs we should be playing.. grr..

I did have a guy once insist I play his Ibanez guitar oh boy.. No thanks I'll stick to my Telecaster.

You just gota be firm. These idiots mean well, they're just stuupid people who don't know any better. But no way would I play someone elses guitar at a gig. After that, you're "best friends forever". Oh the horror... :mad:

i don't talk enough for this kind of (all too common for sure) person to be my "friend" at the gig. unfortunately, i don't talk enough to normal-seeming (ain't we all a little bent?) audience members either.
you prolly have someone like me in the band, maybe that person can be assigned to handle the situation, i know i have been handed the job before. i just did my best to make sure the offending party knew i was trying to hang out with them, to the point of demanding their attention, but, of course i don't talk much at all. on the two occasions i can remember, i became nearly as annoying to these folks (busy trying to hang out with "the cool guys") as they were to the more socially adept members of the band.

my introverted ways, which i have only slowly come to realise, or even notice at all, have been my achilles heel in "gigging life", where "chatting up" or "shake & howdy" may be as important as the music sometimes.

Although over the years I've had a few female "stalkers" who became problematic, overall I try to be friendly, politely decline use of equipment ("Thanks, but I'm pretty used to this thing I'm playing"), drinks ("Thanks, but I'm right where I need to be"), and "companionship" ("I gotta go, baby, I gotta go!"). Haven't got shot...yet...

It sounds like you're taking the right approach - gently but firmly deflecting his awkward attempts to ingratiate himself with you and your band. Chances are he's harmless and has good intentions. Hold the line and he should eventually distill himself into being a slightly over-zealous fan. Could be worse....

This fan would be awesome if he were a cute female. I was at a Wilco gig and a guy shouted from the balcony "love you forever!" Jeff, quick as ever: "why do we only ever get that from the guys?" : )

Pretty obvious to me, he's one of us guitar owners who wishes we could be like you guys and play on stage. Confined to a lifetime of living rooms etc. Sounds llike you handled it just right, probably next time he won't be as pushy. Just keep doing what you are doing.

I'd sit down with him, lay it out on a plate, tell him he's cool, but you're working and need to use your tools and concentrate; so if you appear brash or rude at some point its for that reason. Say, "You're obviously knowledgable about music and playing, so I'll know you'll understand."
Then, on future encounters, acknowledge him, shake his hand ..... move on. Buy him a beer once a month. :wink:

My gentle 2c.

Excellent advice. Do it now before he shows up with a guitar and an amp (or even worse a harmonica) wanting to sit in.

Anyone who is familiar with my posts here may know that I'm pretty straightforward and say what I think, hopefully without offending anyone (but there have unfortunately been times when it's happened). I don't do well with sub-text when having a dialogue with another person.

Get the cards out on the table. No beating around the bush.

"Hey dude, I appreciate the sentiments, but you're kinda' interfering with the gig, so if you'll excuse me..."

"I appreciate the feedback about my guitar sound, but I'm confident we've got a sound that works."

"Thanks, man, but this is the guitar I'm used to using. I don't like surprises at gigs."

"I gotta' go."

These are literally the things I'd say in such a situation. If someone takes that as rudeness or a slight, then I feel the problem is with that individual, not you.

Insert drunken voice- here...

no...no....wait....i gotta tell YOU somethin'.....

YOU....are the MAN...man.... like when you play....you really MEAN IT.....

kinda like......


oi vey - who hasn't had a moment or two like that - OF COURSE it was always better when it was a pretty barroom rose and I was a single guy....
:o)

Sorry man. I thought you liked me.......













:wink::lol:

And if he wants your phone number so he can call you to jam sometime, remember...it's 1-800-555-1212.

dv1bM0pp_o4

This fan would be awesome if he were a cute female. I was at a Wilco gig and a guy shouted from the balcony "love you forever!" Jeff, quick as ever: "why do we only ever get that from the guys?" : )

affectionately known as the, "Man Groupie".

The "bringing an instrument for you to play" thing can easily be averted by playing an instrument with a good share of add-on parts... like a Keith tuner or two, a B-bender, special pickups or electronics, etc...

I find playing a guitar like this one serves quite well for avoiding such a situation (as well as many other situations:lol:)

BloozeGit - just tell him "You're a discerning chap - you gotta sign up at the TDPRI. Check out the Band Wagon forum, especially..."

Tough gig man, having people throwing guitars your way. :razz:

Give him the ol' Del Preston treatment....

rhtLoA3X21s&feature=related

Continue to be nice..

http://cdn2.hark.com/images/000/498/782/498782/original.jpg

Be nice to those guys. They're the closest thing most of us will ever get to a 'fan club.' Obviously it's different if they're so drunk that they cause a danger to you or your gear.

Love them. They keep coming to see us and they keep buying beer and shots. A win-win for everyone except the one drinkin' (sort of)....

Ask him if he has accepted JC as his lord and saviour, and could you share your testimony with him.
If that doesn't scare him off, tell him he has a purty mouth. :mrgreen::grin:


thats funny.

There are sure worse kinds of people to show up at a gig. I used to hate doing weddings and private parties, because theres always the ONE GUY thats a good friend of whoever is having the event, and he gets drunk and obnoxious, gives the band hell, and theres no bar bouncer to throw his ass out.

It's all fun and games till you show up to the gig and they are waiting with Lasagna made with corn and green beans.

(True story. No offense if you like corn and green beans in your lasagna.) :shock:

You have to be a little careful - perhaps judicious. Playing for me is not a social event - its an exercise in focus and keeping my groove - particularly if Im on a challenging gig.

For some punters, you represent something along the continuum between a model of nirvana(doing what everyone loves for a living) and a doorway into nirvana(if they cultivate the relationship enough perhaps they'll get a few tips, or even sit in as you start to feel more obligated to them)

Sometimes you have to explode that mythology - in as human way as possible of course - if they are on the level they'll understand the thing you have in common is that you are professional about how you work - just as they may well be, and be cool , eventually - but the longer it goes on , the harder it gets..

i don't talk enough for this kind of (all too common for sure) person to be my "friend" at the gig. unfortunately, i don't talk enough to normal-seeming (ain't we all a little bent?) audience members either.
you prolly have someone like me in the band, maybe that person can be assigned to handle the situation, i know i have been handed the job before. i just did my best to make sure the offending party knew i was trying to hang out with them, to the point of demanding their attention, but, of course i don't talk much at all. on the two occasions i can remember, i became nearly as annoying to these folks (busy trying to hang out with "the cool guys") as they were to the more socially adept members of the band.

my introverted ways, which i have only slowly come to realise, or even notice at all, have been my achilles heel in "gigging life", where "chatting up" or "shake & howdy" may be as important as the music sometimes.

I had exactly the same problem when I was a gigger (as opposed to playing in a band). It was very difficult for me to make small talk. I remember once having a drink with a friend and the local musician's union VP. The guy talked like a gangster and looked like one, too. I didn't have anything to contribute to the conversation, as it dealt with people and situation I had no knowledge of. At one point, the union guy pointed at me and said to my friend, "Is he all right?" That's how bad my introversion was. However, I really tried in that environment. When I moved into academics, I often found myself, and still do, in receptions of various sorts. When I was a grad student, I forced myself to go to as many of these things as I could. More than once, I started to walk out after a concert (classical), but turned back to go to the reception. That was a great education, because as a student, no one expected brilliance and wit from me. Like anything else, you get comfortable to a certain level.

Lots of good advice, insights and laughs all round, thanks folks! I'll take all these on board and try to keep it cool. He's generally not an obnoxious chap, in fact that night while still sober he talked about how he was getting some Strat bodies painted white so he could send them to his retired artist mom (who's recovering from a stroke) to paint. I thought that was pretty cool.

When it comes to gigging and schmoozing I'm not that great with small talk either. In my day job (engineer) it's easier to keep a professional distance from people I'd rather not talk to for longer than I have to. Still, I've made some good friends out of the audience and we go out for meals and drinks, so I guess I'm not entirely anti-social.

As for playing other people's guitars and sharing my own, I'm usually game if I know the owner well and vice versa. I'm pretty casual about sharing because mine aren't very pretty or priceless anyway, but I do err on the side of caution when playing other folks' gear.

I'll try to get a word in sideways when I see him next, if I can catch him while he's sober. :wink:

You could learn a lot from the guys who have been playing at my local venue, they are way cooler than you lot. They are always keen to talk to everyone, including the annoying drunk guy who thinks he knows everything about guitars. I figure that now they know what I'm about they'll be really happy about me joining the band.

I've been practising their whole set in the basement when my mother is out of the house. I'll get to their final gig really early, set up my amp and get my tele and SRV strat up on their stands, they'll be so pleased to see me when they find out their 2nd guitarist's brakes failed on the way to the gig.

You could learn a lot from the guys who have been playing at my local venue, they are way cooler than you lot. They are always keen to talk to everyone, including the annoying drunk guy who thinks he knows everything about guitars. I figure that now they know what I'm about they'll be really happy about me joining the band.

I've been practising their whole set in the basement when my mother is out of the house. I'll get to their final gig really early, set up my amp and get my tele and SRV strat up on their stands, they'll be so pleased to see me when they find out their 2nd guitarist's brakes failed on the way to the gig.

Lol!
A little extreme perhaps but I've definitely thought that about a few 'fans' over the years ...
Makes me appreciate what it must be like for actual stars and celebs who continually have to deal with would-be stalkers- ?!

DUDE!!!! I saw Hendrix THREE TIMES back in the day, and you kick his ASS!!!"
That's my latest favorite from a guy who had a little too much genius juice.
It can be difficult...and I've had the overbearing ones...there's always a nice way out...so far.
The only times I've backed people off HARD is when they're too drunk around my equipment or (and this has happened several times), start talking racist.
Then I just tell them they need to get away from me fast.
I still wonder what some club owners would say if they found out a band member had ejected one of his patrons!

We haven't had any guys offering up their guitars but we do get a harmonica player wanting to sit it every now and then. So far we haven't come across a single one of them that knows when NOT to play. And why is it those guys take their harmonicas to every local band gig they attend?
We've also gotten a few singers wanting to come up and sing lead vocal on some tune or another...like all of a sudden he wants us to be his backing band. I usually just tell them "Hey guy...with all due respect I'm sure you're a really good singer but we're not a karaoke band ... Have a seat, enjoy the show, and be sure to tip your waiter". If they leave, all the better. Less distraction.

Heh. If I comment on what an enormous pain in the ass harmonica players are, and how they absolutely NEVER know when NOT to play... will I get stomped on like i did in the chick singer thread?

Heh. If I comment on what an enormous pain in the ass harmonica players are, and how they absolutely NEVER know when NOT to play... will I get stomped on like i did in the chick singer thread?

Not by me :)

I wonder if his apartment is wallpapered with thousands of pictures of you.... :confused:

I feel you're pain, I generally steer guy groupies like this towards the female ones & excuse myself.

Heh. If I comment on what an enormous pain in the ass harmonica players are, and how they absolutely NEVER know when NOT to play... will I get stomped on like i did in the chick singer thread?

Harp player but not quilty:mrgreen: The problem with the tin sandwich is that too many guys want to sit in and play lead :roll:

This guy?

Heh. If I comment on what an enormous pain in the ass harmonica players are, and how they absolutely NEVER know when NOT to play... will I get stomped on like i did in the chick singer thread?
If the guy brings his harmonicas to your gig, and asks you to play them, that's probably crossing the line (especially "draw" notes).

I had a fan, very pleasant guy, enthusiastic but with self control, who would bring guitars to my gigs. One comes to mind, fancy Epi semi hollow, I guess what ever their 335 item is, bound neck. With the plastic still on the pick guard. Tags still hanging off the tuners, strings, not tuned or really set up much. I protested and hemmed and hawed. I said that I couldn't be "gentle" with the instrument during a gig. I play and sometimes I smack the finish with a pick, pick guard for sure. He insisted and I played it.
Same guy, another gig, brings a Fender case in, says its half of a pair of guitars he's had a while. One was a Rosewood Strat, this one was the rosewood Tele. I DID enjoy that one.
Third time, I had a gig WAY up in the hills of norther New jersey (if you can imagine such a thing) [Mountain Rest Inn if you can], and he drops off a Strat at my Friday night gig for me to take out Saturday, without him even being there. I can't even remember what was going through my mind to actually accept the offer, (mid 90's), but I did. Came home from the gig, parked the van & gear,3:30 AM took his axe and mine into the house. Come out Monday morning to go to work and the van had been stolen. I was SO relieved I hadn't cheesed out and left the guys guitar in the truck.

Well meaning fans get plenty of acknowledgment, and the eccentric ones get what they need and sometimes what they deserve. Eventually things sort themselves out.

Fun to recall,

Dez